I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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