i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
