My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
