i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
