If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
