You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
