my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
