did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
