my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize