I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
