oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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