I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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