Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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