the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize