What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
