mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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