walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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