The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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