i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
