textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
