first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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