So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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