he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
