You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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