Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
