i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
