you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
