end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
