Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
