Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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