Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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