i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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