The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
my liver is dry heaving
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
