I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
