I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
