i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
