Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
