also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize