you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
