there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
