my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
