I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
