When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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