woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize