Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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