just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We need to get me chipped asap
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
