I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize