Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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