Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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