She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
