oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
