I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
