So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
