i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
