I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
