I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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