guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
