ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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