I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
