This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
As shirtless as possible
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
