I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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