your parents love me but you hate me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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