ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
soo... how was my night?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
