You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
