I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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