It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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