I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
