New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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