Screwed.edu
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
