You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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