You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
